Hahahahaha
I'm laughing out loud
That's amazing

Rise and grind! No days off
My ass is real, I got my loans paid off
This how I look without makeup
Every single day at 4:30 AM I wake up
I'm so angry at all the injustice, I donated cash by the hundreds
What's this? Oh, it's my new Ferrari, it's not rented
My boobs are naturally perky, they ain't augmented
The only reason I'm naked in half of my photos is to empower women, I don't own poses
For feminism you can D.M me
And get 15% off this Detox tea
I used to date Katy Perry until she blocked me
I hate love, I don't want somebody, not me
I've never taken steroids, not a day in my life
I hate fags, I could never be gay, here's my wife
I'm not scared of black people, I don't see color
I've never said the n-word, cuz you my brother
Oh! I love that song, it's on my playlist
I hate that restaurant though, the manager was racist
Let's boycott them and force them to close
I heard both sides of the story, I suppose
I objectively listen, I guess
I'm not overreacting, I'm not angry or depressed
If you want a good designer, you should pay me, I'm the best
If I get 50 likes, I'll be praying for you, YES!
There's not a good reason I can't find a good date
Wow girl, your outfit slays, you look great!
I'm a foodie for a hobby, I cook steak
I met that bitch on facebook, but she's a bookface
I didn't sleep with her
Even though on Instagram this morning she posted pictures of us and we were both wearing the EXACT same clothes we were wearing to the club last time, she was licking me on my face
No man, I didn't leave with her. She's not cute enough
I get in fights all the motherfucking time bro, man I'm stupid tough
Fuck you and your strawman, argument
I'm not short, I'm a tall man
My name is Amy Schumer, I write my own jokes
I'm politically savvy baby, so woke
I'm so good, I could coach that professional sports team better than the damn head coach could
I see a fucking liberal hippie I'mma shoot him
I see a damn republican I'mma snuggle and spoon him
If a cop shoots a black person, 100% of the time it was the black person's fault
Dummy shoulda listened, every black man should be let out of prison
Eating beef is murder! Eating meat is murder!
Go vegan! Eat a tofu green cheeseburger!
These corporations, they all lying to you
Distract you from the truth is what they're trying to do
So what's the truth? The truth is, the government is all alien reptilian lizard people with blue dicks!
Kanye is a devil-worshiping muslim-nazi
Illuminati! Illuminati! Illuminati!
Don't vaccinate your kids, cuz
Blahblahblahblah pharmaceutical biz
I guess I need to put this at the end
The worst lie people tell:
I'm your friend