"Ooh, you wanna have a fantasy tonight, call 1-800-555-dick-2..."

"Today on DiCaprio's World Discoveries, I'm here backstage at a hip-hop concert. I just spotted a gaggle of rappers. I see loads and loads of cash in their bags. I see guns with extended clips that don't even fit the guns in their trousers. So what he's trying to say: I'm so tough don't mess with me I'm the baddest bloke on the block..."

"Susan, I've found another lover
Well so have I, Demetrius, it's over"

"Breaking news on DiCaprio 2, channel two, at two. Take it, John
I'm on DiCaprio lane, Jason, in the Mirrorland casino where there seem to be two niggas about to jump ready to die, I'm here on the scene with a witness
[Indecipherable]
Oh yeah?
[Indecipherable]
Is that right?
[Indecipherable]
Interesting
[Indecipherable] (Do it!, Don't do it!, He's doin' it, dude!)
Oh, shit, there they go"