Story time
Twenty years since the incident at Black Mesa
The G-Man makes the
Freeman wake up
On a train to City Seventeen
Dystopian as a city's ever been
Oh see who's popped up on the screen
Black Mesa's administrator Doctor Wallace Breen
But as Gordon arrives to step in the station
He's pulled aside for interrogation
Separated into a darkened damp room
Hang on a second is that not Barney Calhoun?
It's hard to tell who's good guys or bad
But they decide to rout through to Kleiner's lab
On the way get a glimpse of the combine empire
Now there's a raid run, run try and get far
Scatter like a cat and a mouse in chase
Now they found you they're smacking a baton around your face uh

Wake up, wake up Doctor Freeman
Who's this face? He must have been dreaming
Ha, not a chance
That's Alyx Vance
And by all accounts she's about to Gallivant
Down to the lab with you just behind her
'Cause she'd got to find you for Doctor Kleiner
This place isn't easy as ABC
Super tough environment here's an H.E.V. suit
Just in time to teleport you to all of the other scientists to support their assault
But sod's law
And of course there's a flaw
And a balls up when Lamarr causes a fault
And the forces that saw it are all on patrol
Looking for Gordon so Gordon is forced to withdraw
Down through the canals, fucking hell, better go hard
"Yo Barney, chuck us down a crowbar"

Running in, swinging it at them
Going to twat them
Splitting their scalp as if he's splitting an atom
Picking up the pistol this prick was packing
Dispatch the dispatched units attacking
Train hopping got to save himself
Popping into station twelve
Ain't stopping on the nature trail
Been breaking cells
And evading shells
Dash dead fast into station six
Smash Headcrabs into bacon bits
Whatever floats your boat
Apropros to note
The bloke rode a motorboat
'Til the rotor broke
Whoa bro those flows, just don't
Fucking hell
You're stuck in a canal so get out
Running for cover fast
Funneling into a tunnel
Wonder what'll come of that
Going to get pummeled
So let a Vortigaunt fit a gun to the top of it
So none can stop it
And then confront a copper
That's in a hunter chopper
Dropping a hundred tons of bombs on top of us
Pop, pop, Freeman's done with apocalypse

Damn, how long did that take to reach
Black Mesa east?
Seemed like a couple days at least
A crazed police state they were chasing Freeman
Through waterways and streets all the way
To the door of his destination jeez
So get the kettle on and make some tea (chai)
Got bread to break with Eli
Mossman and Alyx and another little green guy
Now we've had a minute having some fun
Got to get grappling with the gravity gun
No ammunition in this kind of cannon there's none
Pulling and pushing and grabbing is how the damage is done
Now come and meet Dog, he's a robot pet
Ooh, can I stroke him? No, not yet
Hello little fellow, holy crap you're tall
Go go Dog fetch that basketball
Oh god, heck, that's not a ball
That's a bomb so let's smash that wall
And get on
But then Gordon and Dog are separated and so
Gordon heads on into Ravenholm

Wow, hey, this place has really gone downhill since we left from the station
This neglect must be the effect of zombie gentrification
Unless this statement's mistaken
I reckon the neighbours must have taken a vacation
To a place that ain't full of the flaming remains of Ravenholm
The failing favela
Full of razor blades to rotate and impale you
Hey, by the way this part's bloody gory
I warned you too late timing it poorly
But still it'd be a far different story
If Gordon hadn't found Father Grigori
Who graciously donated a shotgun
Shucks, mate, always wanted one and now I've got one
They haven't got long
They're short of time
But I'm sure there's a mine
They'll be sure to find
Then Gordon goes on leaves Gregori behind
To race through the blaze to his grave
It's an awkward goodbye, it's an awkward goodbye
It's an awkward goodbye, it's an awkward goodbye
It's an awkward goodbye

Freeman sees that Eli's been shipped to Nova Prospekt
So he's got to hit the road and hope there are no upsets
Reach the coast there's beaches, docks
Wrecks and bath towels like a TV box set's
Plot set in Nassau a hot mess like trap houses
Spot checks and crackdowns
On crack rocks so they have no option but to get up and crack scalps
Then hot stepping flat out
With the gas down
'Til the ash clouds
Are in the rear view mirror, what, it's not got one?
Don't book an mot, I doubt it'd pass now
Get out the dying car
To fight the Antlion Guard
Say Sayonara, bye bye
To the giant fly
'Cause by and large
It's necessary pest control
Swatting them like flies now
Firing rockets off the top
Of a conical lighthouse
With comical timing the combine are like moths to a flame
They must be like "my god, we've lost him again"
It's not been the same
Since Freeman got a box of Pheropods to chuck
Now the game's full of bugs their QA testers must have sucked
There's such a bloody mess looks like they crushed them with a monster truck
It's just a clusterfudge of shoveled rubble, puddles, dust and muck
Anyway what is this place?
Some sort of prison base
I reviewed it on Google Places
Let's just say it isn't great
I've never had to look up prison riots on TripAdvisor
Then again I've never had to break out a resistance fighter
The screws were getting turnt so Gordon fricking lit them right up
Leave their britches burnt as if they're bitten by a widow spider

Isn't it nice to get a bit of quality time, Alyx?
Just to find Mossman is a combine spy, dammit
I've had it with the two-faced snake
And I very much doubt that my views may change
Finally they find her, too late mate
Eli's in her noose made to escape
With great haste teleports him straight to the Citadel
Then vacates to the same place in it as well
It may be dangerous just a tiny tad
But we need to take it to get to Kleiner's lab
So climb in the back and let's split
Combine are attacking, no time for Netflix
No time to chill
We got to find the girl
Quicker than Simon Cowell
Could frickin' sign a deal
But on the other side Kleiner reveals
They've been stuck in time spinning on the ride like a wheel
And a week went by
In the blink of an eye
That was seen as a sign:
Begin the uprising
City Seventeen, civil war, it's a living hell
Even more reason for storming the Citadel

So let's meet Barney for breakfast
We need energy for storming the Nexus
Kill combine put it down on the checklist
Didn't ring ahead so I doubt they'll expect us
But if they're trying to find us
They might just find us
Fighting striders like this
Things are really popping off it's looking like apocalyptic prophecies
Hypotheses were properly predicted
Turn up as a person you're going to leave as liquid
When you going to learn to give Gordon Freeman distance
He's not as masculine as normally depicted
He doesn't have to be the former laws have been restricted
This protagonist is just a man who gets shit finished efficiently
No matter just how bad it gets the town burns
The Valve turns
A well learned lesson, now we'll found out the outcomes

Well, flipping hell, this is it
We're in the Citadel now didn't miss a trick
But even if he did
Doctor Freeman is a wiz
At retrieving opportunities from seemingly impossible
Unfeasibly and inconceivably tough predicaments
The gravity gun is pulling your muscles off your ligaments
Pick them up and chuck them down an elevator shaft
Particularly the ones who made our escapade a faff
But admit it, this is pretty fun, ragdoll physics
Spinning your head round like Dan Bull lyrics
That captivating you forgot to breathe
Good job we booked a meeting in with Doctor Breen
So hurry up, pull your socks up, we must proceed
I know it's tough when there's oh so much to see
But there's a job to do, prisoners to free
It seems Mossman's role in this is not complete
Unlocked, released
The team watch as Breen flees
Up to the top to release the beast
So he must be stopped just like SOPA and ACTA
Our only hope is a broken reactor
But there's a bloke that we know coming at you
Froze motionless as if he's broken your back
Well spoken you've seen him before
You're without hope as he leaves through the door
Well, what do you think a sequel is for?